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LOC Headhunters: Cast of Criminals
Hear yee, hear yee, gather 'round for a message from merciful Master Glorio, ruler of all dimensions, lord of the LOC, emperor of the dynasty realm, and king of the legion of headhunters. As you all know, LOC (League of Champions) was established in 2011 by the Commissioner Diggs and regulated by the Fantasy Gods. But in late 2017, a portal was opened into the fantasy football multiverse, and out spilled many other worlds with many other leagues. Dynasty, Survivor, fantasy basketball (RIP in peace). Out of that hole came Glorio, the just and definitely not evil ruler of all things fantasy sports. He was sent to this realm to bring balance and prosperity to all, and to overthrow the Fantasy Gods. Were it not for he, we would be squandering potential as household drudges, slaves to the Gods, off in the poor quarters of the multiverse; The ESPN Ether, or worse, the NFL.com Nexus. But lo, his exaltedness has saved your souls from such a fate and some have proven unloyal subjects. You question his existence. You wonder why he is represented by an owl, nature's apex predator. You are asking yourself what the fuck you are reading. Glorio is kind and fair, but he does not take kindly to defectors (or defecators, for that matter). Therefore, those treasonous vermin who have questioned him will pay for their crimes. Therefore I declare: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! League Managers By King's decree, these 17 villainous offenders have been sentenced to death by guillotine for refusing to swear fealty to the lord of the fantasty-verse. I shall read to you the list of criminals now, at the conclusion of which the executions shall begin: Matty "Commish" Diggs * Yahoo Rating: 783 (Gold) * Career W/L: 160-163-1 (.495) * Trophies: 5 (21 teams) ** 1st: 2 ** 2nd: 2 ** 3rd: 1 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Atlanta, Georgia * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Being unbiased * Weakness: None * Profile: Known as "Commish," Matty Diggs started his own fantasy universe in 2011 after his first ever fantasy team, the Kansas Biddy Thiefs, lost a 2010 championship by 1 point. Since then he has won two championships, but never in his own league. This season he will be commissioning three leagues, all of which he is destined to lose in agonizing fashion. As the only person in LOC: Headhunters to know every other manager, he is guaranteed to be better at these writeups than at the actual game. * Reason for beheading: The Mattjinx, a curse that states any time Commish wholeheartedly believes something will happen, the opposite 100% happens. Scotty "@ffdraftscott" Bourret * Yahoo Rating: 912 (Diamond) * Career W/L: 391-364-4 (.518) * Trophies: 15 (50 teams) ** 1st: 8 ** 2nd: 4 ** 3rd: 4 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Hamden, Connecticut * Fan Allegiance: Philadelphia Eagles * Strength: Fantasy Football * Weakness: Unknown * Profile: Pharmacist, fantasy expert, soon-to-be father who even Kurt Warner thinks is awesome enough to converse with, it's easy to assume Scott is a super soldier sent to Earth to make us all feel bad about ourselves. Sure he got married last year on the Italian coast, but I'm 50% sure he is still human despite his perfect life. And humans can be defeated in 17-team PPR leagues. He may be Yahoo Diamond status, which I didn't even know existed, but he is just like the rest of us with his record hovering right around .500. I don't have anything mean to say about Scott, because he's so nice that it would only hurt my feelings if I tried. Check out his twitter account @ffdraftscott. * Reason for Beheading: He's too perfect, it's very suspicious. Jethro "G" Glaudin * Yahoo Rating: 909 (Diamond) * Career W/L: 65-32 (.670) * Trophies: 1 (6 teams) ** 1st: 1 ** 2nd: 0 ** 3rd: 0 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Providence, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: Los Angeles Rams * Strength: This dance move from a 2012 silent disco that I still think about to this day. * Weakness: Roots for the Lakers * Profile: The league's other diamond member is Jethro, affectionately known as G. While his Yahoo resume is not as long as others in the league, his league-best win percentage of 0.670 is impressive on its own. He rides for his Rams and stans for the Lakeshow but we're not going to talk about what happened with Kawhi choosing the Clippers and costing L.A.L. the chance at a Supermax player because that would be cruel and no one mention the two Super Bowls in which the Rams' high-powered offense was shut down by an 11-5 team that had no business being there. A connoisseur of Kanye West, a master of the M.C.U., and a fan of fantasy football, G is an absolute wild card in the Headhunter competition. Mike "The Wolf" Wolfe * Yahoo Rating: 824 (Platinum) * Career W/L: 185-155 (.544) * Trophies: 8 (22 teams) ** 1st: 2 ** 2nd: 2 ** 3rd: 4 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Warwick, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Arms * Weakness: Legs * Profile: Mike "The Wolf" Wolfe (no one calls him the Wolf) boasts one of the league's best Yahoo ratings, whatever the fuck that means. He is a college friend of Commish who has since become a fantasy adversary. Commish has waitlisted Wolfe for the LOC for years, yet Commish has joined, finished 2nd, and then quit Mike's league during that time span. Wolfe is often confused with the love interest in the hit Netflix-original movie "Christmas Wedding Planner," also starring superstar Joey Fatone. Wolfe enjoys blaming his fantasy losses on bad luck. For example, "you got so lucky your team scored more points than mine or I would have kicked your ass." * Reason for Beheading: Tricking Kelsey Wilson into thinking he was into her when really he was a devilishly handsome private investigator named Conner mcClane, hired by a secret benefactor to undermine the lavish and exclusive Christmas wedding of Kelsey's cousin. KVR "Bad Boy" Van Rossum * Yahoo Rating: 800 (Platinum) * Career W/L: 262-254-2 (.508) * Trophies: 9 (34 teams) ** 1st: 2 ** 2nd: 4 ** 3rd: 3 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Portsmouth, RI * Fan Allegiance: New York Jets * Strength: Confidence * Weakness: Too Much Confidence * Profile: A hometown, childhood friend of Nate, AKA RIPDab, AKA Salty Dolphin AKA The No-Nickname Kid (more on him below), KVR was raised to think that when you win, you win fair and square, and when you lose you would have won if the other team didn't cheat...and the other team always cheats. A hard-core Jets fan who doesn't believe they've ever been bad, just screwed over every week for the last fifty years, KVR is a force to be reckoned with in any competitive environment. He is also a youth basketball coach and a backyard whiffleball all-star so WATCH OUT. He has the second overall pick which means you can go ahead and take Alvin Kamara off the board. * Reason for beheading: Excessive cockiness, failure to dress appropriately at Nate's wedding, did the Dougie at a Philadelphia Eagles game eight years ago and won't stop talking about it. Patrick "Paddock 9" McAteer * Yahoo Rating: 752 (Gold) * Career W/L: 184-168 (.523) * Trophies: 6 (23 teams) ** 1st: 3 ** 2nd: 1 ** 3rd: 2 * Gender: Male * Home Village: A Party City Near You * Fan Allegiance: Atlanta Falcons * Strength: Stubbornness * Weakness: Fantasy football drafts * Profile: Known as Paddock 9 due to his oddly emphatic defense of the subpar "Jurassic World," Patrick has been coming on as a fantasy power of late following many years of mediocrity that coincided with his sad and ultimately toxic romantic relationship. Now his relationship is with finishing slightly better than average, usually 5th or 4th in a 10-team PPR. P9 enjoys trolling, and does so with a Tom Brady-in-the-4th-quarter-against-the-Falcons efficiency. Self-proclaimed 'best man' at Commish's hypothetical wedding, he has no qualms inserting himself wherever he sees fit. This often means starting fights with people who don't even know he exists and declaring random managers his arch rivals. For example, he's gunning for Bob Klein (see below) and Bob doesn't even know who he is. He clashes most with Chris, AKA Pain Train (more on him below). Their rivalry is one which began the day Chris accidentally broke a door, left an apology note, and his handwriting was so bad that for years everyone just assumed it was Pat. * Reason for beheading: Not understanding the plot to 'Inception.' Not being nearly as good as he thinks he is. Breaking my dad's bathroom door. Chris "Pain Train" Pfeiler * Yahoo Rating: 748 (Gold) * Career W/L: 188-163-2 (.535) * Trophies: 8 ** 1st: 4 ** 2nd: 4 ** 3rd: 2 * Ethnicity: White * Home Village: Warwick, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Starters * Weakness: Benchers * Profile: A kind-hearted soul in person, Pain Train is an absolute menace in the fantasy realm. His trades are so bad that not even the 2014 Brooklyn Nets would accept them. He seems always on the cusp of cheating, but like a floater in your eye you can never quite catch him doing it. He constantly rallies against rules that don't benefit him. He would blow a horse for an extra point. A long-time friend of Commish, he often draws the ire of Patrick, AKA Paddock 9. As a result of several clashes, these two have become blood rivals and will stop at nothing to best each other. It's one of the more exciting and ridiculous rivalries to watch. * Reason for beheading: The one time everyone thought he cheated during a draft when he clearly didn't but he still gets blamed for it anyway. Derek "Derek" Derek * Yahoo Rating: 730 (Gold) * Career W/L: 30-19 (.612) * Trophies: 1 (3 teams) ** 1st: 0 ** 2nd: 0 ** 3rd: 1 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Burrillville, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Still Feeding Off of Beginner's Luck * Weakness: Raging Alcoholism * Profile: I don't know much about Derek, so instead of being clever I'll just list all the things I know about him rapid fire. Married, tall, nice teeth, engineer. Okay, now you guys know as much as I do. Derek is new to fantasy football, but his rookie 2018 campaigns yielded a 3rd place finish and a near 2-to-1 W/L ratio. If he can carry that rookie energy over to headhunters he might be able to make some waves. However, while he fights for first in LOC:H he will also be battling his inner demons, as Derek struggles through a midlife crisis (he just turned 30). Questions abound: will Derek have high speed internet in the nursing home so that he can stream NFL Redzone? Do doctors allow senile patients to have their phones? Is he legally allowed to set his own lineup or does he need a next of kin to do it for him? * Reason for Beheading: He's already over the hill. Might as well just put him down. Zach "Duck Punchers" Haskins * Yahoo Rating: 728 (Gold) * Career W/L: 244-184-0 (.570) * Trophies: 10 (28 teams) ** 1st: 1 ** 2nd: 3 ** 3rd: 5 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Providence, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: Cleveland Browns unless they get too good than maybe the Bucs * Strength: Witty Retorts * Weakness: Rostering Guys who Beat their Family Members * Profile: Known as Duck but never as a quack, Zach is a quiet fantasy assassin. A one-time roommate of Paddock 9 and Commish, a one-time classmate of Wolfe, and a one-time co-worker of Nate, Zach has deep roots throughout the league. A contradictory fan of both the underdog and the Patriots, it's no surprise that his fantasy career has been a little bit of both over the years. Recently, an affinity for criminals has gotten Zach in trouble, such as a recent playoff run cut short by Kareem Hunt's release last year. His beard is almost as long as momma's playoff drought. * Reason for beheading: His Bernie dance scares small children. Katie "KatiePaw" LeFort * Yahoo Rating: 671 (Silver) * Career W/L: 92-85-2 (.520) * Trophies: 3 (12 teams) ** 1st: 3 ** 2nd: 0 ** 3rd: 0 * Gender: Female (WE GOT ONE!) * Home Village: Los Angeles, California * Fan Allegiance: Kansas City Chiefs * Strength: Winning Fantasy Championships * Weakness: Just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science. * Profile: Katie, also known as KatiePaw due to her Pawtucket roots, came into Commish's life by way of RIPDab many moons ago, an event that coincided with the arrival of sand fleas to the Beach Bungalow but is in no way related to her and Nate picking up a giant dead fish on the beach and posing for pictures with it. No, definitely not. She is perhaps best known as the answer to the famous trivia question, "whose arms are that in Matt's Twitter profile picture?" K.Paw is coming off her second fantasy championship in three years and is armed with a wealth of football knowledge that makes her a sneaky fantasy threat in the Headhunters competition. Richard "Papa" DiGennaro * Yahoo Rating: 577 (Bronze) * Career W/L: 61-76 (.445) * Trophies: 1 (9 teams) ** 1st: 1 ** 2nd: 0 ** 3rd: 0 * Gender: Male * Home Village: South Kingston, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Commanding the Respect of Literally Everyone * Weakness: Jason Witten * Profile: Papa is still feasting off the high of his miracle 2011 championship run, in which he came into week 11 at 3-7 only to win out, squeaking into the playoffs as a 6-seed and then demolishing his playoff competition on the way to eternal glory. As the elder statesman of the league, Papa has an affinity for veterans. He especially loves Jason Witten, and news of his return to the league has ignited new life into the "Papa's Posse" franchise. He oozes class and remains the one team that has no rivals, because it's literally impossible to dislike him. Commish once hit him in the head with a metal shovel while he was working in the garden. This failed assassination attempt has only made Papa hungrier for a return to championship glory. * Reason for Beheading: Uneasy lies the head that wears a patriarchal crown. Jared "momma" Allen * Yahoo Rating: 569 (Bronze) (also...nice) * Career W/L: 67-70 (.489) * Trophies: 4 (9 teams) ** 1st: 1 ** 2nd: 2 ** 3rd: 1 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Boston, Massachusetts * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Being good at fantasy football (2012-2015) * Weakness: Being bad at fantasy football (2016-present) * Profile: A manager that has not been relevant since the end of the Peyton Manning era, momma is hoping for a revival in the headhunter format. A friend of Commish's since way back in 2003, their relationship has withstood many challenges. Those challenges include commish once spitting on momma's jeans and momma beating Commish in a 2012 league championship game by nearly 200 points. An investor, or financial advisor, or bank teller, or something, Jared knows numbers. He is dangerous, but only in the way that a raccoon is dangerous if you let your toddler get too close. Jared has the first overall pick, so it's likely he takes Zeke Elliot, because for some reason he just can't quit the guy. * Reason for beheading: Spent the entire 2017 football season in London. Might as well have spit on the American flag the way I spit on those jeans. Nate "RIPDab" Follett * Yahoo Rating: 577 (Bronze) * Career W/L: 266-289-3 (.479) * Trophies: 11 (36 Teams) ** 1st: 0 ** 2nd: 2 ** 3rd: 9 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Leominster, Massachusetts * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Being Good Enough to Win the Big Game * Weakness: Not Winning the Big Game * Profile: Nate came into Commish's life on a trip to Japan back in 2006. They were roommates for two years in college (during which time he worked at the super market with Duck) and co-hosts of the popular Facebook Watch show "Live from the Beach Bungalow" before Facebook Watch even existed. Guests included Paddock 9, momma, Duck and K.Paw. No one is more passionate than Nate at fantasy football. And yet for 13 years he has played and for 13 years and 36 teams he has failed to finish 1st. He takes the saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" too far. The year he got married, his bride won the fantasy league they're in together. He has finished 3rd so many times that the LOC has named the 3rd place game the "Salty Dolphin Bowl" after him, because some believe he closely resembles a dolphin. Once as cocksure as KVR, fantasy has beaten the swagger out of Nate. * Reason for beheading: Voluntary execution to put himself out of his misery. Josh "Keeling" Keeling * Yahoo Rating: 592 (Bronze) * Career W/L: 138-132 (.511) * Trophies: 5 (17 teams) ** 1st: 2 ** 2nd: 1 ** 3rd: 2 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Kingston, Rhode Island * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Drinking * Weakness: His Cam Newton Obsession * Profile: Keeling is an engineer who has not been able to engineer a decent fantasy season since 2014. In fact, the best seasons of his life came when he was college roommates with RIPDab, so conspiracy theorists might suggest he was sucking from Nate's life-force for his success. Either that or years of chugging Jägermeister have finally begun to degrade his brain. He is engaged to be married in mid-September, a sure sign that he is not making it out of the opening few weeks of this league. * Reason for Beheading: He once set Commish's carpet on fire trying to get the dent out of a pingpong ball. Phil "NOLA" De Vay * Yahoo Rating: 593 (Bronze) * Career W/L: 0-0-0 * Gender: Male * Home Village: New Olreans-ish, Louisiana * Fan Allegiance: New Orlean Saints * Strength: Built up Immunity to gut-wrenching defeats * Weakness: He's an ESPN Fantasy guy * Profile: Phil is anti-Yahoo the way Jenny McArthy is anti-vaccination. It doesn't make much sense, but she's hot so you let it slide. Phil is a Louisiana native who dabbled in the Atlanta film scene before being pushed out by an alpha-male (me) and forced to seek refuge in the swamps of his homeland. During his time working with Commish, they bonded over their love of Saints runningbacks and shared in many fantasy highs and lows. One of like six managers in this league who are engaged, Phil has a bright future ahead of him but it remains to be seen if fantasy triumph is part of it. * Reason for Beheading: When he left Atlanta my local friend count decreased from 1 to 0. Bob "Bobecue Chicken" Klein * Yahoo Rating: 569 (Bronze) (also...nice again) * Career W/L: 134-185-1 * Trophies: 4 (21 teams) ** 1st: 0 ** 2nd: 3 ** 3rd: 1 * Gender: Male * Home Village: Somewhere in New Jersey * Fan Allegiance: New York Giants * Strength: Making short films and Bowling * Weakness: Putting any Effort at all into Researching Movies for his Failed Podcast with Commish who is Definitely not Bitter About it. * Profile: Of all the managers in Headhunters, Bob is definitely one of them. A bowler/tennis player who is known for such short films as "Fists of Endearment" and "Cabinet in the Woods," Bob has collaborated with Commish on several failed projects. These projects include a movie podcast that was so boring that often times Bob wouldn't even listen to it WHILE HE WAS MAKING IT. He is a film student who once had Commish as his teacher's assistant, guaranteeing that he did not receive an adequate eduation. Now he is honored to be in one of Commish's leagues for at least one week, and Commish is happy to guillotine his ass and pillage all his players. * Reason for Beheading: That time he sang songs from The Wizard of Oz in the voice of a munchkin. Still haunts my dreams. Danielle "Feeney Panini" Feeney * Yahoo Rating: 593 (Bronze) * Career W/L: 0-0-0 * Gender: Female (What!? Two!? What is this some sorta snowflake diversity league?) * Home Village: Northboro, Massachusetts * Fan Allegiance: New England Patriots * Strength: Not having years of fantasy heartbreak weighing her down * Weakness: Having Pat as her Fantasy Jedi Master * Profile: Rookie phenom Feeney Panini joins Yahoo fantasy football for the first time and already has a better rating than five other teams and the same number of 1st place trophies Nate has mustered in thirteen years. Don't let her 0-0 record and pressed sandwich-themed nickname fool you, she is a master chiropractor who won't be afraid to crack some backs and snap some necks on her way to championship glory. Her biggest disadvantage is being trained by Pat, who went to the Jeff Fisher school of success. Reason for Beheading: Pat is the only person here who knows her personally but she seems like a really nice lady so I'm not going to say anything mean about her until a.) we meet, b.) she defeats me in some sort of heartbreaking fashion, or c.) I find out that she's a figment of Pat's imagination and he created an alternate panini-based super hero personality, which he uses to parade around the Massachusetts boonies by night, solving crimes and dispensing party favors while dressed like a grilled cheese. Glorio's Mercy As I said at the onset, Glorio is a merciful ruler. He has agreed to allow one of you live, but that person must prove themselves worthy by surviving the LOC: Headhunters challenge. Every week the lowest scoring team will be eliminated. Their players will go to waivers to be claimed by the surviving managers. To make things more difficult, you will each be given $1,000 to bid on the free agents, to prevent waiver priority from loading up one team. Every week the points scored will reset, so you must continue to avoid being the lowest scoring team THAT WEEK in order to stay alive. Draft Order/Time The Fantasy Gods have randomized the draft order. BEHOLD: # Momma # KVR # Duck # KatiePaw # Bobecue # Keeling # Derek # Paddock 9 # NOLA # Pain Train # Commish # G # Scotty # Feeney # Papa # No-Nickname Nate # Wolfe The draft will be held one month from today, on August 25th, at 915PM EDT. May Glorio have mercy on your souls. =